Hibernate mode..

There must have been a tse-tse fly loose around these parts since the last couple of weeks have looked about the same for every member in my little household. I sleep away my anxietys, all the while sinking deeper into depression and permanent procrastination.
Clara has no choice but to curl up next to me and the cats think it is winter again and have settled in their breadbaskets on the top shelf in the bookcase. I keep putting kibbles up there in case they forget where the food is.
I sleep away my days since nightmares keeps me awake at night and sleeping is the greatest escape of them all. When no other option is available closing ones eyes and lay still works. Works great for trying to stop thinking of the bills I could not pay this month or the fact that I cant pay my rent in ten days and that I have no income or any means whatsoever to solve my situation this summer. I bought dogfood and kibbles for the darlings to last a couple of weeks because I cant stand the thought of being withouth feed to my pets. I skipped the bills for the car tax and are now driving around illegaly but keep thinking there are advantages with being thrown in the slammer if I get busted. Meals are free. ( I hope!)Wonder if one can bring the dog?
I am so tired of everything...most of all of being alone. I told mum last night that I was really in trouble and that I was ill and her reply was 'oh, I must go to bed now'. I dont think she would react any more had I showed up dead. I really wish I could just fall asleep and not wake up right now. There are times in my life when that has felt like a very good solution and I think that it had actually been a relief.
I am not sure of what to do..my brain is not functioning and I dont have anyone that can help me out. I have sold off pretty much what I can sell in the last six months to try and keep my head above water but I am deep in a sinkhole and curling up down here and just dissapear seems the easiest thing to do.

Badlands...

They have started again....the nightmares...and they are unrelenting this time..they wont leave me alone or give way to more pleasant dreams such as a cave full of bats where I could curl up and sleep safe and comfortable in a heap of batguano...

Usually it starts where I am walking on the path next to Noosa River...its well past midnight and warm...sooo warm...my thin summerdress is clinging to my body and I have taken off my sandals to walk on the cooler pavement with my bare feet thinking I will go down the riverbank up at the bend and dip my toes in the water to cool off. I can hear the sounds of a street still awake in the back ground, the noise of people sitting on a porch talking and music drifting softly through the night and someone walking in front of me occasionally kicking an empty can and mumbling on his way home from a bar somewhere ..perhaps the Yacht Club or the Cafe just down by the Thai place....and it feels safe walking slowly on the other side....past the row of condos and old wooden villas in the typical Australian mish mash that make up a typical Queensland holiday spot. I can see the southern cross in a crystal clear sky if I bend my head towards the sky and feel the scent of orange blossoms and jasmine and the Cikadas are playing a symphony in my ears ...ohh how I love the Cikadas.......and that scent of orange blossom......I walk slowly....tired and hot ...my mind is elsewhere....planning ahead for the trip back to Brisbane tomorrow and the wedding after that..I still dont have a dress formal enough for a huge wedding and want to make an early start in order to raid the shopping district in downtown Brisbane and I gues sthats where my mind is...trying on a green dress when he comes up behind me....I never really hear him enough to be aware...or maybe I think it is the can kicker or a man out walking his dog.....it is not until I sense him that I turn around and he just stands there. Still. In the shadows of a cottonpalm. Alarm bells go off in my head when I recognise him and I take a step backwards to get away from the smell of his body. Suddenly the street on the other side of the walkway is all quiet and dark..no Cikadas....the river is still...so still....so is he...he has black eyes and black hair....a small narrow face and a skinny wiry body...brown shirt and a pair of blue shorts and black sneakers...he is my height and somewhere in my mind I am calculating my chances and I decide to acknowledge his hello with a smile and a slight nod with my head. He says he will walk me back to the hostel since it is not safe for me walking alone. He says he saw me at the Thai place and asks if the food was good and where did the German girls go? I answer that they will come any minute and he smiles wryly. He moves like a fox...slightly hunched and with a nervous twist...eyes scanning the surroundings....I am thinking if I can get my sandals back on I can run faster and bend down to put them on all while answering his questions in a cheerful manner...like the bird who dances in front of the viper in order to distract him enough to escape and we keep walking towards the bend of the river...only 200 yards and I will be safe in the hostel..just as we approach the bend he strikes me the first time. A full blow in the head. It feels as if my skull is cracked open. There is no way he can hit me this hard with his fist only.....no way...I open my mouth to scream and stumble forward falling on to my knee...I drop my bag and sunglasses on the grass...my sunglasses which have been used to keep my long hair out of my eyes...my handbag with my mobilephone..my scream is soundless...an open gasping mouth while my eyes are blind by tears and my brain fills with fear. I scream and scream but not a sound comes across my lips and something is put into my open mouth and I gag feeling the bile rise in my throat and try desperately to draw air into my burning lungs through my nose...I cant...something is blocking my nose and I can feel the knife in my ribs while I am being dragged down the bank..he is holding my head down by pulling my hair and every attempt to rise are met with a blow to my skull and my stomach..I close my eyes and give up...it hurts so much...god it hurts...I can feel him inside me ..can feel him hurting me and smell his anger..and it hurts so much....god it hurts......and I try to kick away but my legs are tied to something why are my legs tied?..my arms...I cant get my arms in front of me something is holding my hands together behind my back and the pain.......and the smell......oh god the smell.......I begin to vomit and I feel myself peeing ..unable to control my bladder ..fear has taken over my body and frozen the will to move....I remember thinking this is how a deer caught in headlights behave.....they stop and waith for death to hit suddenly and unexpected..and why cant he dont stop? he keeps on and on....and then all of a sudden he sits next to my head smoking a cigarette. He stubs it out on my feet, lights it again and puts the cigarette in my mouth forcing me to inhale ...he wants to see my chest heave...he is hurting my breasts each time I draw for breath...placing both his hands on my breasts and heaving himslef up on me and leans with his full bodyweight on my chest. It hurts so much...tears are running down my face and I cry silently....he keeps stubbing his cigarrette on my body...he places the tip of the knife between my legs and I feel cold steel inside me. I cant breathe. I just wait. Still...so still...he twists the knife and I feel a sharp pain and something warm trickling down inside my thigh. He suddenly places the knife tip down in the grass and lean over me..he is talking quietly..he has been talking the whole time...but I will hear none of it...dont understand any of it..it hurts...he fumbles with his cigarette pack and thats when I feel the rope around my ankles slip..and my legs are free...all of a sudden my muscles are working and I roll over and somehow find myself on my legs running..then it is suddenly there...those kind of low fences that often surrounds a parkinglot.and I stumble...nearly falling...but keep on moving..and I run....and I run.....like that deer when you turn off your lights after you have caught her...god I run...along the riverwalk and I hear him curse and shout...and then I sense he has fallen...fallen over that low fence at the parkinglot...and I run...and sob...and I have to stop and vomit..and then it is all dark...

The dog doom...

Oh yea...I have been waiting for it.........and sure enough...it happened.....out of a superdysfunctional family where various members owns hunting labradors ( they look good with guns and green suede pants)I went and got myself a whippet. Dont get me wrong, out of the fishing, hunting and riding set I more than happily pick fishing and horses but I cant shoot to save myself and hoever much I love the labs I wont have one in my abode, after all, they are labradors and do labradors things, mine would choke to death on a sock before we could say 'go fetch!' and what I wanted was something warm and soft in my bed ( for lack of something else)someone to make me smile and lay around in the couch with the cats....a dog that could go with me to the stable, run loose in the woods on long walks but be handy enough to drop off at my mums if I need to. Add sheer beauty and power and you have a Whippet. Now to the long awaited lecture receieved.......some of the dog people in the vicinity are "dog authorities", everyone with no exception owns a lab, here is included an instructor in the local kennelclub, hunters and farmers and they all have their view of how to keep and treat a dog very clear to themselves. This view varies slightly from mine...or rather I reckon theirs are from planet reebook since keeping a dog in an outdoor kennel in this climate, a dirty one at that, only let the dog sit in the hallway except when the master drinks his coffee and the dog may crawl inside and lay next to the table is definitely not how I want to keep dog. Clara farts around everywhere, definitely got selective hearing and GOD in heaven has been seen begging at the table and even worse, pee indoors. So of course it suddenly exploded and hailed in.....should I not take a dressage course ( over my dead body), ought I not take the dog to the worshipped dogmaster himself and sort out the problem ( then if not before I'd end up with a dog pissing all over the place) and since she does not instantly obey every given order she was clearly a problem dog and I need pay attention and listen to their advice. The instructor who up until now has been positive towards training together with me abrubtly declared she 'knew nothing about whippets' and therefore no longer was available ( probably afraid of being told off by the others) and on it went......even my mum who know crap about dogs had suggestions.
The thing is...mentioned whippet has a bit of glue in her ears at the moment...however thats it....she has never chewed up furniture ( chopsticks definitely dont count as furnishings) nor been aggressive towards another dog or a human, she happily comes running 99 out of a 100 times I call her when loose and the accidebts on the floor happens infrequently and never at home these days and very rarely at others for that matter. She can be home for a couple of hours and as far as I know she just curls up with Smilla the mackerel and fall asleep. In my eyes she is an angel and sure enough she is spoilt rotten and I will keep her that way.
I am surprised at how far up the heads are up their ass, and how the hell dare they ask why I should get a dog, how will I afford it? Do you really know what you are doing?
I would never ever even question anyones decision to get a pet or someones ability to look after it unless it was obvious it could be a bit of a problem as in keeping an Ostrich in the dogkennel or a horse on the patio.
As I usually say.........this happens when people have a reference area the size of a can o beans. But then that seems to be the standard these days..*sigh*

That dog!!!

She ate my chopsticks!!!