Thursday, August 05, 2004

birthday

Today is my birthday........Clara and I woke up at 7 am to the phone ringing...my sister called to say that there was a parcel hanging off the handle on my frontdoor...it was the first I have heard from her in several months and I was happy for it. Either she has decided to ignore her husbands instructions or she made a peace offering. Whatever, I was never upset with her, more surprised over her myopia, but that might be temporarily.
Anyway, at least I woke up today LOL!!! I am now officialy 36...old as the hill huh? as a small consolation I look like 26 he he

Monday, July 12, 2004

Hibernate mode..

There must have been a tse-tse fly loose around these parts since the last couple of weeks have looked about the same for every member in my little household. I sleep away my anxietys, all the while sinking deeper into depression and permanent procrastination.
Clara has no choice but to curl up next to me and the cats think it is winter again and have settled in their breadbaskets on the top shelf in the bookcase. I keep putting kibbles up there in case they forget where the food is.
I sleep away my days since nightmares keeps me awake at night and sleeping is the greatest escape of them all. When no other option is available closing ones eyes and lay still works. Works great for trying to stop thinking of the bills I could not pay this month or the fact that I cant pay my rent in ten days and that I have no income or any means whatsoever to solve my situation this summer. I bought dogfood and kibbles for the darlings to last a couple of weeks because I cant stand the thought of being withouth feed to my pets. I skipped the bills for the car tax and are now driving around illegaly but keep thinking there are advantages with being thrown in the slammer if I get busted. Meals are free. ( I hope!)Wonder if one can bring the dog?
I am so tired of everything...most of all of being alone. I told mum last night that I was really in trouble and that I was ill and her reply was 'oh, I must go to bed now'. I dont think she would react any more had I showed up dead. I really wish I could just fall asleep and not wake up right now. There are times in my life when that has felt like a very good solution and I think that it had actually been a relief.
I am not sure of what to do..my brain is not functioning and I dont have anyone that can help me out. I have sold off pretty much what I can sell in the last six months to try and keep my head above water but I am deep in a sinkhole and curling up down here and just dissapear seems the easiest thing to do.

Friday, July 09, 2004

Badlands...

They have started again....the nightmares...and they are unrelenting this time..they wont leave me alone or give way to more pleasant dreams such as a cave full of bats where I could curl up and sleep safe and comfortable in a heap of batguano...

Usually it starts where I am walking on the path next to Noosa River...its well past midnight and warm...sooo warm...my thin summerdress is clinging to my body and I have taken off my sandals to walk on the cooler pavement with my bare feet thinking I will go down the riverbank up at the bend and dip my toes in the water to cool off. I can hear the sounds of a street still awake in the back ground, the noise of people sitting on a porch talking and music drifting softly through the night and someone walking in front of me occasionally kicking an empty can and mumbling on his way home from a bar somewhere ..perhaps the Yacht Club or the Cafe just down by the Thai place....and it feels safe walking slowly on the other side....past the row of condos and old wooden villas in the typical Australian mish mash that make up a typical Queensland holiday spot. I can see the southern cross in a crystal clear sky if I bend my head towards the sky and feel the scent of orange blossoms and jasmine and the Cikadas are playing a symphony in my ears ...ohh how I love the Cikadas.......and that scent of orange blossom......I walk slowly....tired and hot ...my mind is elsewhere....planning ahead for the trip back to Brisbane tomorrow and the wedding after that..I still dont have a dress formal enough for a huge wedding and want to make an early start in order to raid the shopping district in downtown Brisbane and I gues sthats where my mind is...trying on a green dress when he comes up behind me....I never really hear him enough to be aware...or maybe I think it is the can kicker or a man out walking his dog.....it is not until I sense him that I turn around and he just stands there. Still. In the shadows of a cottonpalm. Alarm bells go off in my head when I recognise him and I take a step backwards to get away from the smell of his body. Suddenly the street on the other side of the walkway is all quiet and dark..no Cikadas....the river is still...so still....so is he...he has black eyes and black hair....a small narrow face and a skinny wiry body...brown shirt and a pair of blue shorts and black sneakers...he is my height and somewhere in my mind I am calculating my chances and I decide to acknowledge his hello with a smile and a slight nod with my head. He says he will walk me back to the hostel since it is not safe for me walking alone. He says he saw me at the Thai place and asks if the food was good and where did the German girls go? I answer that they will come any minute and he smiles wryly. He moves like a fox...slightly hunched and with a nervous twist...eyes scanning the surroundings....I am thinking if I can get my sandals back on I can run faster and bend down to put them on all while answering his questions in a cheerful manner...like the bird who dances in front of the viper in order to distract him enough to escape and we keep walking towards the bend of the river...only 200 yards and I will be safe in the hostel..just as we approach the bend he strikes me the first time. A full blow in the head. It feels as if my skull is cracked open. There is no way he can hit me this hard with his fist only.....no way...I open my mouth to scream and stumble forward falling on to my knee...I drop my bag and sunglasses on the grass...my sunglasses which have been used to keep my long hair out of my eyes...my handbag with my mobilephone..my scream is soundless...an open gasping mouth while my eyes are blind by tears and my brain fills with fear. I scream and scream but not a sound comes across my lips and something is put into my open mouth and I gag feeling the bile rise in my throat and try desperately to draw air into my burning lungs through my nose...I cant...something is blocking my nose and I can feel the knife in my ribs while I am being dragged down the bank..he is holding my head down by pulling my hair and every attempt to rise are met with a blow to my skull and my stomach..I close my eyes and give up...it hurts so much...god it hurts...I can feel him inside me ..can feel him hurting me and smell his anger..and it hurts so much....god it hurts......and I try to kick away but my legs are tied to something why are my legs tied?..my arms...I cant get my arms in front of me something is holding my hands together behind my back and the pain.......and the smell......oh god the smell.......I begin to vomit and I feel myself peeing ..unable to control my bladder ..fear has taken over my body and frozen the will to move....I remember thinking this is how a deer caught in headlights behave.....they stop and waith for death to hit suddenly and unexpected..and why cant he dont stop? he keeps on and on....and then all of a sudden he sits next to my head smoking a cigarette. He stubs it out on my feet, lights it again and puts the cigarette in my mouth forcing me to inhale ...he wants to see my chest heave...he is hurting my breasts each time I draw for breath...placing both his hands on my breasts and heaving himslef up on me and leans with his full bodyweight on my chest. It hurts so much...tears are running down my face and I cry silently....he keeps stubbing his cigarrette on my body...he places the tip of the knife between my legs and I feel cold steel inside me. I cant breathe. I just wait. Still...so still...he twists the knife and I feel a sharp pain and something warm trickling down inside my thigh. He suddenly places the knife tip down in the grass and lean over me..he is talking quietly..he has been talking the whole time...but I will hear none of it...dont understand any of it..it hurts...he fumbles with his cigarette pack and thats when I feel the rope around my ankles slip..and my legs are free...all of a sudden my muscles are working and I roll over and somehow find myself on my legs running..then it is suddenly there...those kind of low fences that often surrounds a parkinglot.and I stumble...nearly falling...but keep on moving..and I run....and I run.....like that deer when you turn off your lights after you have caught her...god I run...along the riverwalk and I hear him curse and shout...and then I sense he has fallen...fallen over that low fence at the parkinglot...and I run...and sob...and I have to stop and vomit..and then it is all dark...

Sunday, July 04, 2004

The dog doom...

Oh yea...I have been waiting for it.........and sure enough...it happened.....out of a superdysfunctional family where various members owns hunting labradors ( they look good with guns and green suede pants)I went and got myself a whippet. Dont get me wrong, out of the fishing, hunting and riding set I more than happily pick fishing and horses but I cant shoot to save myself and hoever much I love the labs I wont have one in my abode, after all, they are labradors and do labradors things, mine would choke to death on a sock before we could say 'go fetch!' and what I wanted was something warm and soft in my bed ( for lack of something else)someone to make me smile and lay around in the couch with the cats....a dog that could go with me to the stable, run loose in the woods on long walks but be handy enough to drop off at my mums if I need to. Add sheer beauty and power and you have a Whippet. Now to the long awaited lecture receieved.......some of the dog people in the vicinity are "dog authorities", everyone with no exception owns a lab, here is included an instructor in the local kennelclub, hunters and farmers and they all have their view of how to keep and treat a dog very clear to themselves. This view varies slightly from mine...or rather I reckon theirs are from planet reebook since keeping a dog in an outdoor kennel in this climate, a dirty one at that, only let the dog sit in the hallway except when the master drinks his coffee and the dog may crawl inside and lay next to the table is definitely not how I want to keep dog. Clara farts around everywhere, definitely got selective hearing and GOD in heaven has been seen begging at the table and even worse, pee indoors. So of course it suddenly exploded and hailed in.....should I not take a dressage course ( over my dead body), ought I not take the dog to the worshipped dogmaster himself and sort out the problem ( then if not before I'd end up with a dog pissing all over the place) and since she does not instantly obey every given order she was clearly a problem dog and I need pay attention and listen to their advice. The instructor who up until now has been positive towards training together with me abrubtly declared she 'knew nothing about whippets' and therefore no longer was available ( probably afraid of being told off by the others) and on it went......even my mum who know crap about dogs had suggestions.
The thing is...mentioned whippet has a bit of glue in her ears at the moment...however thats it....she has never chewed up furniture ( chopsticks definitely dont count as furnishings) nor been aggressive towards another dog or a human, she happily comes running 99 out of a 100 times I call her when loose and the accidebts on the floor happens infrequently and never at home these days and very rarely at others for that matter. She can be home for a couple of hours and as far as I know she just curls up with Smilla the mackerel and fall asleep. In my eyes she is an angel and sure enough she is spoilt rotten and I will keep her that way.
I am surprised at how far up the heads are up their ass, and how the hell dare they ask why I should get a dog, how will I afford it? Do you really know what you are doing?
I would never ever even question anyones decision to get a pet or someones ability to look after it unless it was obvious it could be a bit of a problem as in keeping an Ostrich in the dogkennel or a horse on the patio.
As I usually say.........this happens when people have a reference area the size of a can o beans. But then that seems to be the standard these days..*sigh*

Friday, July 02, 2004

That dog!!!

She ate my chopsticks!!!

Friday, June 25, 2004

Long time no update but here comes.........

First : Axel is doing as well as can be expected.....he is in a stable condition and have been putting on about 100 grammes in weight:) Thats a whole lot for such a small chap!
Claras toe has healed up and she no longer limps around looking like a wet rag. She has taken to jump over the fence that I have surrounding my patio and simply sneak off into the shrubs surrounding the houses here....I am about to give up and build a much taller fence to keep the lil rat inside...
Today is Midsummers eve and by tradition all Swedes eat marinated herring, with fresh potatoes and sour cream....to top it off we also finish off a huge amount of fresh strawberries after that. Tradition has that it is necessary to sit outdoors even if it is freezing and swarms or swarms of midges eat you alive.....after the strawberries everyone gets totally blitzed and dance around a maypole imitating frogs while singing christmas songs. Nahh....just kidding. No christmas songs.
The mare withnoname is out grazing at a friends place miles away...the not so clever lads decided to let out 4 1 year old stallions at their place and I wont risk it....as much as I want a foal by her I am not too keen on anyone on them jumping the fence and having a go at it!! Regarding names....my old hors was named Carpe Diem and her nickname was Little M, I always liked that and was thinking of calling this one Pretty M,(or as Mimmi suggested: 'Fat M').
The past weeks have been busy with me looking for work and painting stables....ick....my whole body aches after having painted the inside of 25 horse stables as well as the walls outside....next week there is the windows.......bah!! I dont see an end to this!!!
Remind me to only have two stables if I ever win the lotto and buy my own place *grins*.
Well, I think I will join stinky and take a nap.



Saturday, May 29, 2004


Axel 1 day Posted by Hello

Axel.....

I have seen him....this small miracle...he is so tiny..a beautiful baby boy. I sat next to the incubator and just ooogled him very closely. It was the second time in the same hospital...my brothers youngest is also born in week 24...
Sissy was doing better than expected and for that I am grateful. I brought some odd bits and ends like unscented facecream and handcream, magazines and two books. She will have to stay at the hospital all summer to be near Axel and I will try to make the trip as often as I can.
And jamie.....thank you for your prayers...they mean a lot to me since I know how much faith and trust you place in God.

Friday, May 28, 2004

Axel

At 08.30 this morning my sister gave birth to a baby boy named Axel. He was expected to greet the world at September 11 so at May 28 he came to us very early. Axel was in a great hurry and although his auntie told her sister to cross her legs goddammit he wanted out and that asap.
Axel wheighs 720 grammes ( 1.558 lbs)and are currently breathing on his own. He screamed when he came out and was "big" for a child born at week 24 so all we know at the moment is that he had a "good" start. My sister was already at the neo natal care unit at the hospital in Lund (probably one of Europes best if not the worlds) since tuesday night so everyone is in good hands. It will be one day at a time for us all this summer but I pray we have Axel home by September.

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

The names of horses

My mare has seriously not lifted her head once since yesterday. She ignores Bruno who faithfully walks beside her to seek contact. Poor Bruno got very upset last night when he was ledt outside while his three friends headed back inside for the night. A lot of whinnying back and forward was heard through the night. The mare has no name......well...her real name is Ulinia however in my native tongue it does not suit to call a horse by that name. In two months time no one has been able to come up with a decent name for her and she is called by various expressions such as "the fat lady" ( Mimmi&Co) or "the old girl" ( Michael) or me who just calls her The Mare as if she was horse unknown. One would think that after two months I could come up with a name...she is a beautiful dark bay, almost black in color with a beautiful head and huge friendly eyes and the sweetest disposition so I think she deserves more.
Anyone know of a good horse name?

Monday, May 24, 2004

Green grass of home

Me and Mimmi loaded up the surprised mare in the horsebox this morning. After much dilly dallying we finally let her out grazing on the lads place. Peters chestnut gelding got a surprise holiday as her company for starters and hopefully we will be able to borrow a filly to keep her company over the summer. The yard is getting full of stallions and geldings and I must confess to being a tad worried regarding me being able to stable her there over the winter. How much fun is 5 stallions , 4 geldings and one lonely mare?
ack....worries....
The little shoepisser sleeps in my bed hugging one of my Asics...must be a phase she is going through...the dog is obsessed by shoes......
Thats about it...I am unbeliavably blue today and feel like I am just sinking....the only thing that lifted me was that I heard from a friend I had not heard from in a while and that felt good.

a shoefull....

This morning I found a small dried up dogturd in my hallway...life with pups is like that and I just picked it up and threw it in the toilet while think "was she not a good girl who did not pee on the floor!!!!! ". There I went on about my morning...making a latte...having some yoghurt and cereal..feeding the cute little puppy and patting my cats before putting my clothes on and then looked down at my shoes. The left shoe was kind of full. Clara had pissed in my shoe.
Good dog who had not pissed on the floor ;)

Saturday, May 22, 2004


Clara at 8 weeks Posted by Hello

Hail and rain!

Did I mention the weather has been weird here?? Today it was hailing........and the rain is pelting down having me worried about letting my mare out on grass tomorrow in case the bad weather continues and she will be cold at nights.....It is supposed to be summer....the lilacs are flowering....swallows feeding their young and the fields around my house is bright yellow from flowering rapeseed and the honeyscent hangs heavy in the air amidst wafts of cowsmell from the field by the creek. Cow that is,not cowdung, the smell of a warm cow makes me remember my childhood...ever stepped barefoot in a warm sunbaked cowdung? no? *grins*. If you never did you had no childhood.

Today I went to mumsies for dinner. My cousin from Denmark was there along with his girlfriend (tall dark and stunning). Cuzziebro himself was something completely different than last time I saw him. Having been quite a shy and chubby 16 year old he had turned into a sympathetic and goodlooking 22 year old! It was fun meeting them however I am uncertain as to wheter they will return since mums managed to put on her usual show. Clara saved the afternoon by jumping up on the coffeetable so coffee and Baileys flew all over the place. Unfortunately she also ate a catpoop and left the place pleased as punch. Clara eating catpoop means she will sleep in my bed and smell like a catbutt all evening....what a charmer....

The sky is still dark and it is windy outside...guess it will be no planting tomatoes tomorrow ;)
Oh yea..Michael Moore got a Gold Palm for Fahrenheit 9/11, it is the first time the Cannes prize has gone to a documentary since 1956 when Jaques Cousteau received it for " The Silent World". Wonder if Disney will allow distribution now or if they are afraid of loosing the Florida taxrebates ( must be nice living in FL knowing you subsidise one of the worlds biggest corporations.


Thursday, May 20, 2004

Aftermath...

I am wobbling around my place on weak legs feeling very much like I look.i.e NOT very good at the moment....It has been stormy around these parts the latest couple of days and not only the weather. I have been sick as a dog as they say...( I feel sorry for dogs)....Yesterday I got violently ill when driving home and barely made it home with the emphasis on barely...I will spare you any details but I actually was so violently ill that I fainted. This scared me bad enough to call mum and hear if she could come and look after Clara (puppy) but when catching her on the mobile she turned out to be sitting on a fancy restaurant with a new date *sigh*, this made me return to reality and I went back to huddle in bed with darling Clara. In two days I went out of bed only to feed her and let her out on the patio. Funny thing was that the weather was really weird during this time with the worst hurricanes passing by. I hope I can get myself out to the stables tomorrow to check if the mare is still there or if I need to put out an alert on the local radio saying I am looking for a 16 hand dark bay mare who disappeared with the last storm. ack....
Well....It is almost 1 am and I am actually sitting up for the first time in more than 48 hours so I will make a cup up tea and then hit the fleasack again.

Thursday, May 13, 2004

Coca Cola backwards..

Alocacoc, thats his name, Mimmis determined little thorougbred, who reached a third tonight in his first race for the season YAY!!! As Mimmi once said - no one would ever guess that such a goldnugget is walking around in a field out in Heinge....kind of true really. I reside beyond the main road as they say, quite happily I might add.
Sometimes I miss Canton Cafe in Kingsland or waking up to the sound of cikadas and looking out the window to see the blue hills north of Auckland. Actually I miss AKL full stop. Everything. Howver moments like watching Mimmis face when unloading her horse from the trailer and telling me her baby did it again and that she is 6000 richer feels pretty darn good too.
:)

Monday, May 10, 2004

Bonfire and lightning...

I live in what is commonly referred to as lightning alley..and today all hell broke loose...after a "hot" morning ( people in Texas will smirk here) mother nature offered a spectacular scenery with black sky and a white wall of lightning striking everywhere around the county. I managed to get the horses in the stables at the very last minute..for some reason all creatures seem fascinated by lightning ..the horses stood in the middle of the field and just watched.....refusing to let me come near them for nearly 20 minutes until Don sensed my despair and finally came galloping towards me. Don the big sop....of course the other three followed just in case I would accidentally feed Don their oats as well.
Talking about creatures and lightning.....I have two cats that usually sit perched on the windowsill and stare at the lightning refusing to come inside until it is all over......one would think it was the opposite, that lightning would scare them stiff. Puppy did not react to lightning at all...this was her first big one and all she did was sleep through it in my car....her coat is all yellow stained from the dandelion flowers and I am too tired to give her a bath so I guess I will be washing sheets tomorrow.
Yetsreday I mentione the miserable old heap of branches that we failed to set alight....well...today mw and Peter under much cursing applied every known arson trick and voila!! it did burn........after...... two hours hard work....luck had the rain arrive just in time to put the fire out before I went home and dug up my tiny garden.
Peter have wild plans of putting up a fence around the lower field in so I can let my mare graze over the summer at their place.
The yellow Puppy just fell asleep in my bed and I think I will join her.
Tired.... and my parachute ankle hurts :(

Summer at last....

That dog has been digging in the garden again........

Summer arrived today.....Woke up at 10 am due to having made the hour long drive into town at 2 am to pick up a very merry mikester who had graced a wedding reception with his presence. I arrived back home at 4.30 am after having made sure the merry one actually managed to open the door and dissapear inside. I am sure he slept in the kitchen with the dogs. He sure looked like it when I saw him this evening.
Now..if I wake up at 10 am I am overwhelmed by guilt. If I wake up at 10 am and it is a whopping 22C and blazing sun I panic. Thats when I throw myself in the car with poor puppy in tow and do a rather good impersonation of Häkkinen all the way thinking of my beautiful dark bay mare standing alone in a dark stable when all the other horses are outside in the sunshine due to her lazybum negligent mummy only to arrive and find that the apple of my eye are happily chewing outside. Mimmi the angel having noticed the absence of the blue Renault has of course let her out hours ago. At 10 am Mimmi superwoman has also exercised her two racehorses, built a stonewall along the driveway and are about to leave the premises on the motorbike to go watch her brother in a speedway race. I muck out the stable and sneak back home feeling suitably inadequate. Coffee with my 82 year old neighbour Ethel manages to perk me up enough to drive out to the lads farm to investigate just how hungover they are, or rather Mike since Peter was working last night. Turns out the lads are about to set fire to a giant heap of branches that were pulled together last week for the annual bonfire. Needless to say we failed miserably to set it alight last week but thats all part of the deal. After 25 minutes of various arsonist tricks we stand back to watch it blaze away....only to feel the first raindrops of a two hour downpour falling which effectively puts an end to THAT fire....walking back to the farm we notice the dogs having dug up half the orchard hunting for moles. Evidence of grey fluff suggest a rather abrubt ending to the diggingparty for some old mole or another and Peter mutters that it might be easier to cut the grass next time. I doubt it.
The dogs are still digging.