Badlands...

They have started again....the nightmares...and they are unrelenting this time..they wont leave me alone or give way to more pleasant dreams such as a cave full of bats where I could curl up and sleep safe and comfortable in a heap of batguano...

Usually it starts where I am walking on the path next to Noosa River...its well past midnight and warm...sooo warm...my thin summerdress is clinging to my body and I have taken off my sandals to walk on the cooler pavement with my bare feet thinking I will go down the riverbank up at the bend and dip my toes in the water to cool off. I can hear the sounds of a street still awake in the back ground, the noise of people sitting on a porch talking and music drifting softly through the night and someone walking in front of me occasionally kicking an empty can and mumbling on his way home from a bar somewhere ..perhaps the Yacht Club or the Cafe just down by the Thai place....and it feels safe walking slowly on the other side....past the row of condos and old wooden villas in the typical Australian mish mash that make up a typical Queensland holiday spot. I can see the southern cross in a crystal clear sky if I bend my head towards the sky and feel the scent of orange blossoms and jasmine and the Cikadas are playing a symphony in my ears ...ohh how I love the Cikadas.......and that scent of orange blossom......I walk slowly....tired and hot ...my mind is elsewhere....planning ahead for the trip back to Brisbane tomorrow and the wedding after that..I still dont have a dress formal enough for a huge wedding and want to make an early start in order to raid the shopping district in downtown Brisbane and I gues sthats where my mind is...trying on a green dress when he comes up behind me....I never really hear him enough to be aware...or maybe I think it is the can kicker or a man out walking his dog.....it is not until I sense him that I turn around and he just stands there. Still. In the shadows of a cottonpalm. Alarm bells go off in my head when I recognise him and I take a step backwards to get away from the smell of his body. Suddenly the street on the other side of the walkway is all quiet and dark..no Cikadas....the river is still...so still....so is he...he has black eyes and black hair....a small narrow face and a skinny wiry body...brown shirt and a pair of blue shorts and black sneakers...he is my height and somewhere in my mind I am calculating my chances and I decide to acknowledge his hello with a smile and a slight nod with my head. He says he will walk me back to the hostel since it is not safe for me walking alone. He says he saw me at the Thai place and asks if the food was good and where did the German girls go? I answer that they will come any minute and he smiles wryly. He moves like a fox...slightly hunched and with a nervous twist...eyes scanning the surroundings....I am thinking if I can get my sandals back on I can run faster and bend down to put them on all while answering his questions in a cheerful manner...like the bird who dances in front of the viper in order to distract him enough to escape and we keep walking towards the bend of the river...only 200 yards and I will be safe in the hostel..just as we approach the bend he strikes me the first time. A full blow in the head. It feels as if my skull is cracked open. There is no way he can hit me this hard with his fist only.....no way...I open my mouth to scream and stumble forward falling on to my knee...I drop my bag and sunglasses on the grass...my sunglasses which have been used to keep my long hair out of my eyes...my handbag with my mobilephone..my scream is soundless...an open gasping mouth while my eyes are blind by tears and my brain fills with fear. I scream and scream but not a sound comes across my lips and something is put into my open mouth and I gag feeling the bile rise in my throat and try desperately to draw air into my burning lungs through my nose...I cant...something is blocking my nose and I can feel the knife in my ribs while I am being dragged down the bank..he is holding my head down by pulling my hair and every attempt to rise are met with a blow to my skull and my stomach..I close my eyes and give up...it hurts so much...god it hurts...I can feel him inside me ..can feel him hurting me and smell his anger..and it hurts so much....god it hurts......and I try to kick away but my legs are tied to something why are my legs tied?..my arms...I cant get my arms in front of me something is holding my hands together behind my back and the pain.......and the smell......oh god the smell.......I begin to vomit and I feel myself peeing ..unable to control my bladder ..fear has taken over my body and frozen the will to move....I remember thinking this is how a deer caught in headlights behave.....they stop and waith for death to hit suddenly and unexpected..and why cant he dont stop? he keeps on and on....and then all of a sudden he sits next to my head smoking a cigarette. He stubs it out on my feet, lights it again and puts the cigarette in my mouth forcing me to inhale ...he wants to see my chest heave...he is hurting my breasts each time I draw for breath...placing both his hands on my breasts and heaving himslef up on me and leans with his full bodyweight on my chest. It hurts so much...tears are running down my face and I cry silently....he keeps stubbing his cigarrette on my body...he places the tip of the knife between my legs and I feel cold steel inside me. I cant breathe. I just wait. Still...so still...he twists the knife and I feel a sharp pain and something warm trickling down inside my thigh. He suddenly places the knife tip down in the grass and lean over me..he is talking quietly..he has been talking the whole time...but I will hear none of it...dont understand any of it..it hurts...he fumbles with his cigarette pack and thats when I feel the rope around my ankles slip..and my legs are free...all of a sudden my muscles are working and I roll over and somehow find myself on my legs running..then it is suddenly there...those kind of low fences that often surrounds a parkinglot.and I stumble...nearly falling...but keep on moving..and I run....and I run.....like that deer when you turn off your lights after you have caught her...god I run...along the riverwalk and I hear him curse and shout...and then I sense he has fallen...fallen over that low fence at the parkinglot...and I run...and sob...and I have to stop and vomit..and then it is all dark...